I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
