My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
