How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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