My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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