i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
