How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize