What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
