clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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