you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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