I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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