he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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