He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
