Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
