Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
