And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
