My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
high people should be assigned attendants
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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