Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
