just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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