Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
