I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
