she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
