you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
