Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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