This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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