and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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