so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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