you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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