Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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