I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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