You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
