You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
