i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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