New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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