I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
