even my farts smell like vagina
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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