I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
