I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
