I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
