You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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