Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
