someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
