Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life