okay pat passed out under dana's car
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
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she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.