I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.