based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
