break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
