You're a womanizer and a bitch.
barbara walters just said penis...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
