I accidentally had phone sex last night
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
