This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
