i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
