Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
