I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
