i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
