Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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This is my life. Enjoy the view
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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