My room smells like vodka and shame
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
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