This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
