They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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