...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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