i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
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She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
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I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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