I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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