News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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