life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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